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 Post subject: The Ear of Neon
PostPosted: Tue 25 Sep , 2007 10:49 pm 
bioalchemist
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At the Lake Louise moot, we gathered about the coffee table and read The Eye of Argon. This work is in dire need of a sequel, so here we go. I'm posting the opening line, and y'all can add from there. The main character is, as far as I can tell, a barbarian named Grignr. He has red hair, green organs of sight, bronzed and calloused skin and a loincloth. He's running around with two mares and a tavern wench named Catherna, who looks something like a baseball bat with a pair of strategically placed cantaloupes attached. He's had an encounter with the Eye of Argon and so I'm sending him off on a quest involving the Ear of Neon. I have no idea what or where that is but I don't think htat will be a problem.

To get an idea of the, ah, magnificence we're trying to emulate, how Grignr and Catherna met, and what's happened so far, here is the full text of The Eye of Argon. Do not let pitiful things like human anatomy, proper word choices, style, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, or even elementary physics and meteorology restrain you. Keep your thesaurus (but not your dictionary) at your side. If any visual arts types want to get involved, got for it. It is said the original Eye of Argon had illustrations, but, alas, those have been lost to time.

Anyways, here we go...

Chapter 1
The frigid crepuscule of summer's nightfall closed in around the barbarian, his wench, and their stolen equines as they trotted into the ensorcelled Wood of Wdjrik.

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PostPosted: Tue 25 Sep , 2007 11:52 pm 
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Hm. Good start, Riverthalos. :D

As is Jude's, in the YakYak thread.

Somehow, they must be combined and, ya know, well, ya know, combined. :D

As for the foul steed of Morgoth, the Barbarian Queen Bison has caused her scribes to begin recording her struggles therein. :devil:

She is, at present, prancing morbidly about her oval chamber whilst in one corner some guy with a dangling sword is attempting to snog with a busty maiden whose organs of sight are of 2 colours and whose organs of hearing are covered with masses of slimy curling snaky locks of titian hair. Meanwhile, in another corner, a shaman is busy rubbing his rippling arms with the oil derived from the grinding lungs of an acolyte who failed his last test.

From the high but low ceiling of the warm but icy room hangs a chandelier decorated with the pathetic reproductive attachments of various warriors who crossed the path of The Queen. She, having given over striding morbidly about, is quaffing some virile brew.

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 1:06 am 
bioalchemist
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"Drop the wretched goon and bring me the Ear of Neon!" The Queen melodiously yawps to the maiden. Hastily, the untried harlot complies, diving past her erstwhile object of lust and streaking into a proximal walk-in cupboard. The oily shaman hunts the wench with his grey ovals, but The Queen interrupts him with her vicious scrutiny. "Should you not be interring the cursed steed of Morgoth, whose throat I personally permeated with the tender and serrated edge of its own seatbelt?"

With a shout of sacred profanity, the spooked holy man agrees and runs off. Queen Bison is almost alone now. She swigs her beverage. "You," she meancingly enticed the random young warrior who now cowered gallantly in the corner of her oval private container, "bring yourself and your sword hither."

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 1:09 am 
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:Q :D :Q :D

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 1:13 am 
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Hey, you started in on that plotline...

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 3:02 pm 
Aspiring to heresy
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"Take a memo", she snarled raspily to the warrior. "To his Supreme Extant Highness, the Prince of Gorgonzola: We have received your missive, and respond thusly and like this: 'Oh, my nose is too opaque for you, is it? Well, cower and whimper in your hovehole, because our generous offer of marriage has henceforth and forthwith and henceforwith been rescinded! Take that, you insectlike slug!' Sincerely, Bison with a 'B'."



**********************************

Come on, people, join in! You don't have to have been at the m00t to take part - all you need is a passion for really bad prose.

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 4:04 pm 
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I intend to take part, but I have actual work to do and must, sadly, attend to it.

Carry on regardless.

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 6:02 pm 
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Just then, the buxom virgin returned, her greasy rosy ringlets bouncing. "Here it is, oh mother my queen," she cried with a pant, waving a crumpled chunk of ruby in her slender, orchid appendage.

"Give it here," the Queen barked regally, snatching the Ear of Neon from her daughter and lifting the enchanted mineral to her organ of hearing. In the distance, she heard the sound of a foreign tavern wench cursing mightily, and her son Grignr cursing back. In the oval cubicle, the Queen's daughter bent forward with wary eagerness, for she heard her brother's vocalizations dimly. "He is in a forest," the ruler of the barbarians described. "He hath found himself a wench." She tossed the ear away. "Always the same, that one." The maiden trundled away, purposing to restore the Ear of Neon to its place in the Royal Cupboard. The Queen finally noticed the young warrior again. "Well," she snapped in haughty rage, "why are YOU still here? Should you not be on your way to Gorgonzola?"

"Y-y-yes ma'am," the brave swordsman stammered in pure terror and with that he rotated about his center of mass and absconded in dignified haste, gazingly longingly at the harlot with two-toned orbs.

Meanwhile, in the Wood of Wdjrik, Catherna of the Tavern was howling in magnificent distress. The gold and silver harness she was wearing had caught itself upon the twisted tendrils of a tree, holding her so securely that she was removed from her mare's dorsal area and left to hang in the tree. Grignr halted at the racket and fixed his emerald orbs upon the wench dangling in the air. "Enough of this!" he bellowed. "I saved your life. The least you can do is stay mounted for more than five minutes at a stretch!"

"The tree grabbed me you slut!" the girl shrieked back. "Help me down. This thing is pinching in all the wrong places!"

"Very well." Grignr leaped from his horse's back and drew his sword witha rippling arm. With brave shrieks he hacked delicately at the tree-limbs, but he was answered with laughter. The tree began to shake the maiden up and down, waving her. Catherna screamed again.

"Not with violence, you idiot!" Grignr stepped back, puzzled. What did she mean?

The tree cackled nobly. "I will release her for payment," it said in a lusty, soft, deep, woody tenor.

"We carry nothing of value," Grignr said.

"Except my harness," the woman added with a crafty glint in her blue ovals.

The Ecordian glowered with excitement," Always ready to take your clothes off, are you"?

"This is NOT clothes," the haughty wench snapped. "Now hold me still tree." She shifted and shimmered about in the grasp of the branches, fumbling expertly with the harness buckles. Soon enough, the harness was in the tree and she was on the ground, naked and pale splendor among the murky dry dirt of the forest floor. "Are you happy now?" The tree chuckled with merciless glee, waving the harness about and then went still. The gold and silver chains were gone. All was silence and despair, except for Grignr and the horses. Catherna stood up, and remounted her mare.

------------------------------
Okay, now I really have to get to work.

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"He attacks. And here I can kill him. But I don't. That's the answer to world peace, people."
-Stickles Shihan


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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 6:10 pm 
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Riverthalos, give up your day job and take to writing. You are BRILLINAT.

Yup.

Man, I have another bellyache. :LMAO:

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 6:25 pm 
bioalchemist
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Er, under the circumstances, is that really complementary? I mean, seriously, I'm sincerely shooting for sheer and utter crap here...

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 7:15 pm 
A song outlasts a dynasty.
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They gloomily wended their way along the leaf strewn way in the Wood of Widrkj, pondering thoughtfully as to the nature of their current forlorn situation.

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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 7:57 pm 
Same as it ever was

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Location: Cake or DEATH? Errr, cake please...
Grignr rode ahead on his stolid mare from Catherna, squeezing his steed's sides mercilessly to subdue the physical thrombosis threatening to overcome his bronzed thews.

"This will not do at all, wench!!" he bellowed after many terse chronological units had evaporated into eternity. "Here, enrobe yourself in this and be done with your scheming!" Grignr grunted as he flung his well-worn and yet formerly glorious silken lined cloak back behind him.

Catherna, whose tender dermatical covering was beginning to be fraught with scratches and tears from the rough and often thorny tree appendages they were passing through, dismounted from her steed and rubbed her reddened posterior grumpily. "Ha, barbarian beast!!" she retorted back to him, "If I cause you discomforts, it is merely a small taste of what you deserve!"

She picked up the soiled yet still beloved mantle out of the dust of the path and twined it bewitchingly under her aching shoulders and over the tops of those curvaceous melon sized orbs, and then called out "I don't suppose you have something with which I can cinch this poor rag closed with, beast!!" Globular drops of saline liquid started spilling from her sparking orbs down her scarlet tinted sculpted cheekbones and her ruby orafice started to tremble.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow, this is harder than it seems. :D:D


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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 8:36 pm 
Same as it ever was

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Location: Cake or DEATH? Errr, cake please...
Meanwhile, Queen Bison's daughter, Buffalossa, known as Buffy, stole out to meet the hulking but yet untested warrior with his dangling sword. "Humphred" she whispered into the gloaming murkness of the smoke-stained passageway not but five paces away from her mother's ensorcelled chambers, "You must listen to me!! Queen Bison has not your interests at heart, she is using you as but a pawn in an even greater exploit to give her her insane desire."


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PostPosted: Wed 26 Sep , 2007 10:54 pm 
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"I feared as much," the brave warrior sighed exuberantly, "but what can I do? To defy your mother is termination most tender."

"Then do as my brother did," the exquisitely distraught maiden breathed in Humphred's quivering auditory organ, "skiv off and never come back."

"Aye, and find lusty foreign wenches I suppose," Humphred's organs of sight brightened at the prospect, "but tell me first, what is it that your maternal parent craves with such delusion?"

Fear glazed Buffy's face as she whispered, "The Eye of Argon. Together with the Ear of Neon, she seeks incapacitate the Norgolian Empire and monopolize the world." Humphred's eyes widened. He grasped the Princess to him, gave her a firey kiss on her coldly yielding lips, and trotted off.

While this was going on, Grignr was trying to create a cloak-pin for Catherna using the rat-pelvis blade he had taken apart in prison.

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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 12:02 am 
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Riverthalos, were you once Jim Theis? I swear to heaven . . . :Q

This is so promising. :D

I am about to embark on a slow, rapid journey in a close relative of the Steed of Morgoth. 'Tis but a moment until I return . . . .

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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 12:13 am 
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No, I don't think so. I'm just having too much fun.

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-Stickles Shihan


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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 1:52 am 
Legendury speller
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Grignr's facial countenence stiffened in maladextrous frustration as he thrust his bovine rat bone through his once sumptuous cloake, his thick rolling fingers pinning two edges together beneath Catherna's shaply left armpit.


Catherna's ovals of sight rolled within their orbits whilst lustfully gazing on the mighty thews of Grignr vexing his bone into place. "Surely the Hero of Gorzam can shrift a cloak together" she exclaimed gaspingly.

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Last edited by RELStuart on Thu 27 Sep , 2007 3:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 2:18 am 
Same as it ever was

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Location: Cake or DEATH? Errr, cake please...
RELStuart wrote:
Grignr's facial countenence stiffened in maladextrous frustration as he thrust his bovine rat bone through his once sumptuous cloake, his thick rolling fingers pinning two edges together beneath Catherna's shaply left armpit.


Catherna's ovals of sight rolled within their orbits whilst lustfully gazing on the mighty thews of Grignr vexing his bone into place. "Surely the Hero of Gorzam can shrift a loak together" she exclaimed gaspingly.


<sorry, brief interruption here for guffaws of laughter, I literally have tears coming out of my visual orbs. :D>


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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 2:56 am 
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I just couldn't write anymore. :LMAO:

This is like some sort of rich rich rich chocolate fudge and I just can't eat to much at once. I almost had to stop after the "shapely left armpit" part. :Q :damnfunny:

BTW I don't think maladextrous is actually a word. But it sounds so right in there. :)

Malady means disordered or unwholesome and Dexterous means adroit or skillfull with the mind or hands. So I guess maladextrous means something done in a disordered skillful way?? :) :cool:

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PostPosted: Thu 27 Sep , 2007 4:06 am 
bioalchemist
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Does it even matter...

Oh man, this is going to be great. No matter where it goes from here, it's going to be great.

----------------------------------
Grignr only grunted in alluring assent as he struggled with the fabric. "Really," the loquacious hussy continued, "did your mother teach you nothing?" The effect of these climactic taunts was slow yet prompt. The large Ecordian solidified and dismissed his sharpened bone into the folds of Catherna's extemporaneous drape.

Retreating from her in balletic urgency, he firmly begged, "Leave my mother out of this."

"Why? It's not as if I'll ever have the pleasure of meeting that which spawned such as you," the girl spat, feeling about under her arm as she spoke. "Ah," she pulled forth the bone, and presented it forth to Grignr, pinching the bleached, sharp, pointy thing between comely fingers. "Now, try again, or else I promise thy mother shalt hear of this."

"It maybe she already has," Grignr agitated under his respirations, but he did as he was commanded. So absorbed was he in the mysterious, ironical task of clothing a willing female that he neglected to perceive the four large alabaster men with dusky white dreadlocks and sharp obsidian spears come sneaking out of the woods. Propitiously, Catherna was more heedful. She communicated their appearance to Grignr by grasping his ruddy hair and dismissing his face from her delicate left armpit.

Grignr turned around just as the newcomers announced, "Very nice. How much?"

"The wench is mine!" the barbarian howled, reaching for his sword.

"We're not discoursing with you," the leader of the Wdjrikians sneered hospitably. He fixed his eyes on Catherna. "Well?"

"The horses?" she asked with calculated confusion.

"Don't play stupid girl. We've no use for your viviparous mammals. The barbarian is what we wish to buy, for gold and more besides." Grignr's fingered appendage closed on the hilt of his weapon, but Catherna's soft blue eyes turned steely.

"He is not for sale."

"Then we shall steal him," the spear-carrier tauntingly threatened.

Catherna giggled with equal threat, "Try it." The spear-carriers converged upon the enraged barbarian, who drew his weapon and abstracted three of the four ovals from their necks. The fourth gravitated to his leg joints and begged, "Spare me, mighty one, spare me."

Panting, Grignr complied. "Lead us out of here," he demanded with extreme unction.

"To the border of Gorgonzola itself," the erstwhile man-robber agreed, spitting into his hand. Grignr did the same into his calloused hand and the two men shook. Then they set out upon the woodland trail once more, leaving three decapitated bodies, three heads and three spears on the ground, their venous liqueur* marinating the dirt they had once stood on.

--------------------------------------------
*We can all thank vison for this one.

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"He attacks. And here I can kill him. But I don't. That's the answer to world peace, people."
-Stickles Shihan


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